I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
