I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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