A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
