as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
