Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
