Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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