I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
