Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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