I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
