if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
