i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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