I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
