THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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