she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
