I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
