WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
