I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
