I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My ass is underappreciated
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
