ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
