i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
