This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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