the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
