so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
