Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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