yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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