Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
