I wish I could teleport
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
