That's intense
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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