he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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