Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
