I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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