Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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