I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
