The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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