Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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