Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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