I met the friendliest cop last night
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
