So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
