you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
