I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Boobs speak an international language.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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