I think I died a long time ago.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
