So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
