I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
