Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
