Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
