Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
