I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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