The maid of honor just puked.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
