I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
