I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
