I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
