I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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