Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
