I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
